The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 (ESV)
If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath. Psalm 34:18 (The Message)
This post follows up on my rant against being fake on Facebook and is another attempt at being real. Life is a series of ups and downs and at any one time, you can be successful in one area and in the pits in another. And if you are good at pretending, no one ever knows anything but the good. For me, the last two weeks of writing have been extraordinary. At the end of June, I actually skipped the meeting of my writer’s group which I ordinarily look forward to because I was behind on my goals. I used vacation as an excuse, but I really missed because by that time, I was supposed to have four chapters written and I only had one completed. It was because I had made other choices in how to spend my time. But, in the last two weeks, the story has been flowing out of me. In fact, some days, I have to force myself not to think about it or work and other responsibilities will suffer. I wake up in the mornings with complete scenes and conversations played out in my head compelled to write them down. If I can get a chapter written this weekend, I will be back on track exactly where I predicted I would be and can go back to writer’s group with my head held high. But, not proud of myself. It is a gift from God and I know that with all my heart. A story given in the dead of night while I am sound asleep can come from no other place. While I am enjoying success as a writer, even having a book talk and book signing next week, healthwise, it has been a rough time. When I was first diagnosed with MS, it was a shock but gradually, I developed an attitude of optimism that can only be described as keeping my head in the sand. Sure, I had to take some painful injections and battled through the fatigue, but I plowed on through with little changes to my hectic fast paced life other than trying to eat right and get more exercise. I even used the doctor’s warning not to get overheated to stop running, which I hated anyway, and to avoid yard work which my husband needed help with. “I can deal with this. No big deal,” was my mantra. But, on vacation, the need to assist husband with some pasture maintenance and grass planting overrode my doctor’s advice. Just this once, I reasoned, so I went outside in the middle of the afternoon, in the sun to weed an area of the pasture where we would plant some samples of a new grass we wanted to try. Within the hour, I was overheated and suffering from an MS “flare up”, the tip of my nose and mouth numb and tingling. I went inside, took a cold shower and gradually over a few days that numbness went away, but it was frightening, a wakeup call that MS is nothing to fool around with. The first time, I really understood the seriousness of what I am dealing with. This week, the doctor told me he detected new weakness in my hips and legs. I immediately pictured myself in a wheelchair before coming up with a list of reasons that it might not be related to MS including the fact that I stopped running. But, it is still scary. I say with my mouth, but haven’t accepted in my heart the point that like with writing which I absolutely know is a gift from God for His glory, that the MS is also allowed by God for His glory. I’m getting there, but have a ways to go. In the meantime, I am putting it all in His Hands, the book, the disease. And trying to leave it there.
This song by Bethel, a new version of one of my favorite hymns, has been very encouraging. Hope you find that to be true as well:
Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me
Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see
And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
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