Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Psalm 62:5 (NIV)
I have always lived life at a frantic pace, but in the last few months, the speed increased even faster. In fact, lying down for a nap feels like such a waste of time, I rarely give in to the urge to sleep. Even at night, my head buzzes with a to do list that should require a full time secretary to maintain it. I finally figured out why I feel compelled to run life full steam and not take any breaks. My biological clock is ticking. No, I am not planning on having any more children. Even the question about whether I will have any grandchildren is out of my hands. No, my biological clock is ticking like a time bomb because every day I wonder how much longer will I have the use of my hands, arms and legs? How much longer will I be able to swallow? How much longer will I have my voice? While it is true that I have been diagnosed with relapsing multiple sclerosis which means that my symptoms come and go and the disease is not generally life threatening, just life altering, every day, I wonder about what the future holds. How long will I be able to sew? How long will I be able to take care of the horses? How long will I be able to train my dog? How long will I be able to climb the stairs to my office or drive to work or, even work? That kind of thinking is pushing me to the brink. Not wanting to waste a moment, I run like a madwoman packing in experiences, goals, results into every minute of the day. I don’t want to be left holding a full to do list even though for every one thing I check off, I add three more. I recently read an article (courtesy of AOL which tracks my searches and brings me things it thinks I want to know but really I only want to forget) about a woman who was running like me. Essentially running from a diagnosis. She found that stress and fatigue actually made her symptoms worse. So, she left the corporate life, went to work part time and schedules a nap every day. She feels better and plans on living longer. She figures life lived slower is actually life lived to the fullest. Her story made me think about my hectic lifestyle. While I set aside time to exercise and make healthier choices about eating, my crazy full speed ahead routine may be doing more harm that healthy changes can overcome. I know that the tingling in my face that I still experience regularly is tied to fatigue. So, what can I do? Recognizing that rest is essential for me is critical, but to be effective, rest must be added to my to do list. Above anything else that I might want to put there. God created my body to need rest. And I need to listen.